Have you ever caught yourself judging another in your head? Have you taken it farther by shaming them to another or even criticizing them to their face? Most of us have known judgment of others, in one form or another. In fact, many of us judge, shame and critique regularly – even if just in our own heads. However, if we are ever truly to be free of negativity, and feel true peace, we must let go of this habit. That is truly what it is – a habit. It is a conditioned behavior that has arisen, often over a lifetime, as a means to make ourselves feel better. But as the saying from my junior high health class went, “you don’t need to blow out another person’s candle just to make yours burn brighter.”
In fact, it’s completely incorrect to think that we are better off or higher and mightier for noticing the flaws and failures of others. Your candle only looks brighter once the other is burned out, because there is less light around you and yours. It’s a comparative brightness, not based in truth. What is actually true is that if we support one another, with acceptance, compassion and love, we bring our lights closer together and that is what makes the brightest light.
As with most tiny habits, it is the noticing and curiosity about their origin that is key to transformation. We must examine what it means for what we need. Here are some examples from my own life to help illustrate this:
- Simply shopping in a grocery store, I have had judgments about the people wandering the aisles alongside me such as “is this how we dress in public now?”
- Some past friendships were shored up with tenuous bonds of shared mockery and disdain for others in order to know who we belonged to: “can you believe she had that work done, as if she wasn’t pretty enough before!”
- Critique to one’s face for me comes out as sarcasm and mockery, “yeah, right, I’m sure you’ll get right on that, just like every other home project around here.”
Sure, I felt righteous in those moments, which gave a wee moment of satisfaction and assurance that I was right. Of course though, this satisfaction is not what is actually going on under the surface. When noticed and examined, I can see that with that habitual way of thinking, finding fault in those around me, I just wanted to be accepted. And if I was not entirely sure whether others were actually more acceptable than me, I had better take them down a notch, so that I looked better, felt better, even if only in my own head, even if only for that brief moment. I surely thought I earned the right to sit on my justified high horse. Looking closely, what I wanted most was to feel I belonged – to be accepted – to be considered worthy. Sit with that question and consider, what is it that you need?
“…we must, all of us, turn toward whatever it is that we do want, in our lives, in our loves, on the planet, and whatever we don’t want, just have sense enough to leave alone.”
- Alice Walker, The Temple of My Familiar
If acceptance is what you need most, offer it and you will have it. Considering how easy it is to think, let alone speak these judgments, let us start by accepting ourselves in our fullness and humanity, then have sense enough to leave judgment, shame and criticism alone. Each of us is full and whole and does not need to be compared to others in order for that to be true. We have most certainly made mistakes, but we can always choose to make change and move on.
So, rather than burn out another’s candle to make yours burn brighter to feel better, just feel better. Just accept yourself and feel better without the mirror of conditioned thinking or the opinions of others that you weigh more than your own centered knowing. Start by noticing – build your present-moment awareness (step one of the Foundations for Wellbeing) and notice your thoughts before they become statements aloud. Notice, tell yourself that you are accepted and this person before you is accepted too. Let compassion for their humanity and your own fill your heart. Breathe it in. As you practice this new habit, you will build your capacity to feel better, be better and be who you truly are – a whole and wondrous being.
Let us smile upon the loved one, the friend, and the stranger with compassion and acceptance in ourselves and for each other. Together, we create the brightest light of all.
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