We all tell ourselves stories. Stories of why we are the way we are; how things came to pass; or why we have or don’t have certain things, people or circumstances in our lives. We may have stories of how we have overcome adversity; let go of unhelpful ways of being; or have grown from struggle or sacrifice. Stories are not inherently problematic, as long as we recognize them for what they are. What we must not do is get caught up in them.
I have lots of stories in my life. Here are just a few:
- I was a premie baby, so that’s why I had underdeveloped ear drums and subsequently, lots of ear infections and now, hearing loss in my left ear.
- Coming from a trades-based and semi-professional lower middle class family and being the first to graduate college, I have worked extra hard to be where I am in life.
- The world has needed a lot of help for decades, which is what led me to pursue a career in nonprofit management; because I choose to do work for the ‘greater good’, I get by on less than those that choose more lucrative careers.
Perhaps you can start to see, that while these stories are factually true, problems can arise when identifying with those stories too closely. I can (and have) see myself as weak, flawed and broken; unfairly burdened; and resentfully righteous, respectively. With less attachment, I can see these stories as aspects of my lived experience, through which, I have become who I am today: someone that is writing in this moment about the importance of getting one’s story straight. Just as I have responsibility with my privilege, I also have gratitude for noticing this opportunity, rather than staying stuck in an old story that lifts neither myself nor anyone else up.
There are many paths to get to a place where your story does not define you. Many paths are full of pain and suffering, until they are not. Others have moments of insight that seem to turn on the light switch in what had been a dark room. Often, our paths contain a bit of both. It’s also a process, more than an event. There are many stories and many opportunities to let go of the attachment or identification with them again, and anew.
Grievances regularly get in the way. Many of us can find something to point to, from the perspective of external blame or internal shame for why things are the way they are. Grievances can even fuel what seems like confidence and pride for having overcome, but is felt consciously or subconsciously as righteousness or judgment of others.
Sadly, we can perpetuate harm when we attach too closely to the stories — harm to ourselves and harm to others. For example, if I hold tightly to what I’ve done to ‘earn’ my socio-economic place in life, that way of interpreting the story may lead me to not want to see others get free access to higher education or to have their college debt waived. The illogical thought process being that if I didn’t get that, how is it fair that others do? This causes harm via withholding access, restraining generosity and proclaiming scarcity. None of these lift anyone up — myself included. What if the story is even more grim — being part of a family that experienced such extreme ‘othering’ that they were psychologically and physically harmed? If attaching to the story from the mindset of the victim, one may turn away from other injustices as a means of self-protection and self-preservation. While necessary at points along on the healing journey, this response in the long-term can itself lead to harm of others, via complicity. This is no small task — the re-examining of the stories that shape us. It remains, however, essential.
Let me clearly state that any experience of trauma, violence and oppression is not meant to be minimized or explained away by ignoring or denying the fact of it. Such events are incredibly impactful, hurtful and challenging to move beyond. Again, the healing and the pivot point is located in the how that one attaches to the story told of the experience.
For me, getting my stories straight involves maintaining the practices that serve me to be well: building present-moment awareness; identifying, naming and fulfilling my needs and values; having the courage to examine where I need to heal, then grow; and generating and maintaining resilience and strength. We must heal individually, if ever we wish to heal collectively.
Currently, I’m formulating a new story of what my life has been about and what it can be. I am also pretty loosely attached to it, since I trust that it will unfold just as it needs to. I stay grounded in my inner knowing, present with what arises. I remain anchored in that which resonates with my true essence: joy, curiosity and connection. I work to let go of where I’ve erred or caused harm, seeking always to grow in my ways of being; and I build my resilience by generating wellbeing — socio-emotionally, physically, in service, intellectually and spiritually. From this place, I can look upon my life as an excited explorer might, with a committed intention to discover what I might become due to the gifts, skills and perspective that I have acquired along the way.
What story of yours could use a retelling, reflected on in a new light?
Each of us has the freedom to choose how we define ourselves and what our lives can be — despite our circumstances, influences and stories. If you wish to have impact and influence on your own life, the lives of others, or on all life on earth, it is imperative that you get your story straight.
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