Growing up, I was often called a chatterbox by my immediate family members. It wasn’t said in appreciation. My older brother would get exasperated with me, as I followed him around, chattering about everything that popped into my consciousness. He was my only sibling and I very much looked up to him, literally in stature, and figuratively in always seeking his acceptance. He would often roll his eyes and offer with a not small degree of frustration, “Jody, think before you speak!”
I have no doubt my parents loved me very much, but they didn’t particularly enjoy my company, as they had their own adult issues and concerns that consumed their attention. This home environment no doubt informed my habit of talking incessantly to my cat, as she may have been the only one that seemed to want to listen. Perhaps it’s why to this day, I talk and wave to cats I see while walking in my neighborhood, as if they are potential friends, good listeners just waiting for me to come over for a good chat.
As I grew into my early teens, I continued to gather feedback, mostly from adult men in the world, that it was more acceptable to observe — watching and listening to those around me, speaking when I was sure I had something of value to offer. On rare occasion, I’d find a friend with whom I knew I could l let my inner chatterbox out. One such dear one in my teens and into my twenties called me ‘chipmunk’ due to the constant, often excitably high-pitched chatter I would offer. I didn’t have the awareness of it then, but the comfort and ease I felt when together was a respite and a salve.
A perilous outcome that I couldn’t see nor understand at the time, was that when I was in chatterbox mode, I was drawing certain people to me. They were attracted to the spark they saw in me — the way I would light up when I was sharing what fired me up. A variety of harmful experiences to myself, and sadly to others I held dear, unfolded over many years, as I or others would misconstrue this attraction as romantic love, whether requited or not. I started to think that I had caused this harm, particularly in those that I did not love in quite this way, because I was being careless in my openness. I decided that I needed to tamp down my excitement, for it was being perceived as flirting, teasing or stringing others along. I certainly did not wish to cause harm in this way and gradually, made myself into a more stoic, calm presence that would only reveal my inner enthusiasm carefully and judiciously, with those that I’d deemed capable of handing it.
In my adulthood, everyone I told about my chatterbox nature as a child simply couldn’t see it; it wasn’t their experience of me at all. They were truly dumbfounded that such a way of being could have been true for me.
I had developed an identity as, and the behaviors of, a classic introvert. Some of these are my true nature, while others were external input that become internalized — perceived as true, even though they were not. Each of us has a true essence that is uniquely ours while being universally connected to one another. We also have parts of our egoic selves that are what often get presented and known to others. These parts of our multi-faceted personalities are created largely unconsciously, either as expressions of that inner nature or as mechanisms to protect it.
The part of me that gets excited by life — via curiosity, wonder and awe — she is my chatterbox. My true essence that is expressed through her is rooted in a sense of connection to all of life — the bugs in the grass, the frogs near the pond, the birds in the trees and so on. She is riveted by the learnings of cellular biology, neuroscience and quantum physics. She gets excited to see life manifest in so many amazing ways because it grounds her back into my true nature — being of nature myself.
Why were my friends so surprised that I had a chatterbox within? Simply, because they never knew her. I had internalized the idea that I was a quiet person, an observer, a person who thinks before she speaks, and regularly, a person who best not share her perspective for it may not be supported, and therefore, she would not be supported. Over the years, without realizing what I was doing to myself with these internalized thoughts, emotions and behaviors, I had formed a version of me that rarely got so excited as to ignite the interest of others. I was happy and busy, doing good work, raising healthy boys, and contributing to the shared needs of two larger family units.
Many years ago, when I transitioned back into full-time work, outside of the home, I started noticing people in the new community I was forming as part of that role, responding to me much differently. My curiosity, wonder and awe was getting sparked in new ways and that excitability came out without my rationing it, and when I least expected it. It was frankly, quite jarring, to have others drawn towards me after so long feeling like it was all I could do to keep people at a supportive, if not fully supportive level of closeness.
You see, there was a self-fulfilling cycle at work here:
- believing that I should be quiet more, so as to be acceptable;
- I became quiet not only in the times that I needed to process or recharge, but also as a general way of being;
- my friends and family had less of me showing up;
- for some, that meant our connection became less strong;
- for others, it was the perfect platform to shape me into their expectations and confirm that more was not welcome;
- which led me to fear that I wasn’t interesting enough, smart enough, or good enough to be someone’s friend;
- which led to my having fewer friends; and finally,
- that I’d best focus more fully on my children and the extended family units to ensure that I had support and safety, even if they didn’t ever really seem to see me, as who I truly am.
As may not come as a surprise, my inner self, where my true essence resides, would not stand for this forever. As I continued to get conflicting information from new people in my life, that I was interesting, intelligent and fun to be around, I worked to reconcile how such opposing perspectives could be true. With much inner turmoil, reflection, courage and sorrow, I made several significant and challenging changes in my life over the period of several years.
I created space to get to know myself again. I put in the work, to build a new understanding of myself and my path. I formed new thought patterns, worked to get more connected to my emotions and built new habits. I found parts of me that hadn’t been involved in my day to day life since they were very young. They had lost trust in me; they weren’t sure I would allow them the space they needed to fully emerge and not be locked away again. With patience and compassion for the Jody that I am in this moment, I took steps to demonstrate to myself my new ways of being — creating evidence that I truly am who I always have been at my core.
What does that mean? It means that when I’m excited about something, I share that excitement; there is no aligned purpose in holding back. It also means that I regularly follow the path of what excites me. By holding curiosity as a core value, it means that I commit to finding ways to be inspired, full of wonder and awe. It means that I surround myself with people that love when I light up, and don’t feel threatened by it, because my fascination with the topic at hand draws them closer.
What does it look like? It looks like me creating more space in my life to take in new information and experience. It looks like sharing what excites me with those around me. It looks like me valuing my perspective and letting inspiration flow through me by sharing my inner world in writing. It looks like a Jody that is grounded, connected to her feelings, making aligned choices, loving life, and saying what she needs to say.
What do you need to say? Each of us has a perspective that is uniquely ours to share. I cannot do that for you, just as you cannot do that for me. Find that core essence that is within you. Listen with curiosity, patience, and acceptance. Trust yourself to know what must happen. Adopt your practices to be grounded, aligned, empowered and energized. Then, say what you need to say.
Recent Comments