Being true to yourself means honoring and respecting what is true for you — the essense of who you truly are and your most closely held values — the needs that motivate you to be aligned with and expressive of your very best self. Knowing what your needs and values are is your personal responsibility. No one else is meant to do this. Naming them to yourself is step one. Once practiced, naming them for others then follows.
I used to confuse the question of “What do I want?” with “What do I need?”. I saw them both as too self-centered, too focused on achievement or acquisition, too selfish. I knew that I valued being of service, to helping and supporting others and causes that I cared about. I could not see how what I needed fit into that. Others’ needs made sense to me — they fit into my various roles and my sense of my life’s purpose.
In my late teens, I had a growing need for autonomy and self-determination that I struggled to identify and articulate. This need is developmentally appropriate. My struggle to understand and name my needs resulted in lots of ineffective communication, silence and the occasional verbal battle in my household. Moving out and moving into a life of independence helped but, in my twenties and thirties, I still had the need for autonomy and self-determination that would bump up against the needs of partners in relationships and later my own children, without my understanding that it was occurring. As I poured my attention and affection into others and prioritized their needs over mine, a growing part of me felt isolated, unseen and undervalued (note that these are judgments on others — faux feelings). I had the double-whammy of a problem of giving my time, energy and efforts over entirely to others (not meeting my true need for autonomy and self-determination since I was seeing none of my time or my life as my own), while also not getting a level of affirmation high enough to fill the gap created.
Not recognizing how to effectively identify and name my own needs, and take the actions necessary to get them met resulted in many years of reinforced habit-forming where my own seemingly selfless actions and commitments to others became a source of resentment rather than fulfillment. I increasingly felt victimized by those that I expected would want the best for me and prioritize me, as the following internal thought processes demonstrate:
Friends: “I always listen and support them, through every trial and tribulation, but where are they when I need them? How dare they take advantage of me in this way?”
Family: “They have never prioritized me over themselves. I don’t think they’ve ever truly seen me.”
Kids: “This was my choice and I am doing right by them to put them first and foremost, always. I cannot ask for or take space for myself.”
Partner: “Why don’t I matter enough to this person for them to make a change for me? Perhaps they never really knew me or loved me; if I look, I see proof. I’m just a convenient partner, not a most desired one.”
Perhaps you can see in these examples how righteous indignation creeps in, and victimhood, and anger — all damaging. The problem with not being able to effectively identify, name and prioritize getting our own needs met is that we continue with our lives and our relationships without being fully informed. We may still take belated steps to seek fulfillment of our identified needs, but those steps may be taken after years of denial and unstated or incorrectly stated expectations. The actions that are taken may occur when at a breaking point, which can be further damaging.
It is never too late for being true. Start now. Each of us has the power to know and name our most aligned and motivating needs and values. Be true to yourself. Know your true essence and identify what you truly need to fully express it. Get those needs met and when you do, you will feel how your existence is enriched and enlivened for having done so.
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