“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.”
- Madeleine L’Engle
The bravery required to be vulnerable clears a path to authenticity, inner acceptance and utter wholeness — to be truly, fully alive.
Several years ago, I had interest in seeing a therapist. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to get out of it, but I knew that I was struggling in ways that I couldn’t readily put my finger on. On my first visit, my therapist had me participate in an exercise that involved randomly choosing two cards from a deck. I selected my two cards, then flipped them over to read them: Courage and Honesty. My face flushed while my heart sunk. She didn’t need to be told a thing. What she already knew, what I knew deep down and just had brought to my conscious awareness was that I wasn’t being honest with myself. I was going to have to find the courage to do so.
As a child, I used my diary to capture my innermost thoughts and carried this practice into my early adulthood. I appreciated the way that writing could help me clarify my thoughts; putting my words down on the page helped me see what it was that I was thinking. Joan Didion said something similar, that she didn’t know what she thought until she wrote it down.
I was twenty when I first shared with another that I wanted to write a book. The idea seemed absurd to me at the time, for what could I have to offer from such a short experience of life to date? Despite receiving encouraging feedback from the friend I told, I told myself it was absured and shelved the desire.
In my later twenties and into my thirties, journaling was a frequent expressive outlet, while short story writing occasionally built out creative and inspired space in my mind and heart. In my late thirties, I formed a makeshift writers group amongst some friends, and used this opportunity to tentatively test my musings. A poet, a mystery writer, a songwriter and myself gathered in twos and threes on very spare occasion to swap what was new for each of us and gather feedback. Writers’ retreats became the getaways I longed for, providing solitude for mental thought and guidance from those that have walked the path before me. I dropped in for a workshop here and there, and consistently found myself intimidated by the skill and experience of those around me. My funny little writing hobby was shelved yet again.
More recently, in considering writing a book about the wellbeing practices that most served me as I was being called throughout my career into roles of increasing responsibility and leadership, I started anew to believe myself capable of compiling all of the content that I had collected and that lived in my head and heart throughout my life. I knew that to lead well, I needed to be well. Sure, there are lots of great books about this topic and yet, we need to retell the most essential truths, again and again. Some take multiple tellings to sink in, while others just need new voices to bring them to life anew. In judiciously mentioning my plan to those few that are closest to me, I again tested my own courage to own what was true all along: that I have something of value to share with others and by doing so, I am acting in alignment with my true self and the purpose of my existence. Again, my notion was well received. This time, I haven’t shelved the desire. It’s scary. I am choosing to be brave. I am choosing authenticity, inner acceptance and utter wholeness. This is how I live my values of experiencing joy, curiosity and connection.
As Brene Brown points out in Dare to Lead (Brown), even when we think we know our core needs and values, we must remain vigilant for the stealth intentions and expectations. Stealth intentions are self-protection needs that lurk beneath the surface and drive behavior that is not in alignment with our values. Stealth expectations are desires that exist outside of our awareness and so too drive behavior that is without intention. Building on the habits of practicing awareness and being true, one must employ courage to identify and address any internal blocks and barriers to living in alignment.
In periods of challenge or when something seems ‘off’, we must learn to sit with what is challenging and reflect on what stories are attached. We ask oursevles ‘what beliefs am I holding?’ When turning away from what wants to arise, we have to examine what story we are telling ourselves and what makes them feel true?
We all tell stories about life and our experiences. We all carry false and limiting beliefs. These are often unconscious habits and patterns. This is all very natural and it is also very important to uncover them in order to determine and consciously decide what to hold on to and what to let go of.
From our earliest days, we work to interpret the world in which we live. As we grow, we begin to internalize our experience of life and unconsciously create a limited identify. As a baby, toddler and young child, each of us consistently took in information, interpreting our reality. We were using the information collected to discern where and with whom we were safe, what to expect in the world and whose guidance we could trust. That’s the job of the ego — through these stories, and the unconscious, false and limiting beliefs, our ego has been trying to protect us from potential emotional and physical harm.
The most insidious, hard to shake unconscious beliefs typically arise from psychological or physical pain. Survival is our instinct, so we are hard-wired to hold on to these painful experiences in order to do our best to keep living. Here is the beauty of our opportunity: recognize this tendency, give attention to these unconscious beliefs and check them for truth. We often carry false beliefs that actually hold us back from the fullness of our lives. We may be surviving, as our brains of youth supported us to do, but we are impaired when we let stories run in the backgrounds of our minds, like malware running in the background of your personal operating system, keeping us from operating at optimal performance. While they’re to protect, they are actually preventing us from living to our true potential.
Common unconscious beliefs are:
- I am not good enough;
- I am not worthy;
- I cannot change, even if I want to because I’m damaged;
- I don’t belong (never have, never will);
- I can’t be successful or get what I need in life (this is just my life);
- I don’t deserve to be loved (because of what I did, or what happened to me);
- And on, and on…
They all actually stem from the same core unconscious belief that we are somehow wrong, irreversibly flawed, and therefore not worthy — of acceptance, of abundance, of belonging. Nothing could be farther from the real truth.
Retreat keeps us safe, or so we think. However, the core truths that we carry within us do not go away when we do not allow space for them. They are always there, always true. Patiently waiting.
Despite habits and patterns that turn us away from bravely being our true, full selves, we continue to receive opportunities to see glimpses of these truths until we are ready to let the fears of inadequacy and rejection subside. When we let the stories go, we let the veils of confusion and distraction fall away. When we open our hearts fully to what we have known deep down all along, this is when we intimately know the brave, strong glory and power within.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
- Anais Nin
Telling the truth when we feel vulnerable is scary, especially when talking to ourselves. Yet, whenever we are able to do so, all the energy previously locked up by withholding this information from ourselves becomes free to uplift and enliven us — to be who we truly are and always have been. Courage is therefore, essential to maturation and growth. Should we never step beyond our limiting beliefs and stories, facets of our true self remain frozen and we get stuck within our own lives. Stuck, sitting with a therapist, recognizing that we left ourselves behind somewhere along the way.
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